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Postpartum Depression: A Hidden Cost of Colic

Women with colicky babies are more than twice as likely to have postpartum depression – at least that’s what a doctor told me. While some women may survive months of arduous colic with their spirits intact, excessive crying can certainly trigger depression. According to Science Daily, having a colicky baby is linked to an increase in maternal depression and a decrease in overall family functioning. [I cannot think of a more obvious conclusion or more unnecessary study.] From personal experience I can tell you, even though it may sound like hyperbole, colic is a form of psychological torture.

I didn’t feel the immediate attachment to my son that I did with my daughter. Perhaps the emotional scars from his birth impacted that because I noticed that difference the first time I held him. When I handed him off to my husband, a nurse, or my sister in the delivery room, I felt relief. I focused more on ordering food, getting to the recovery room, and checking in on our daughter at home. For the next 36 hours in the hospital, I tried to feel the connection that I knew was possible – the one I felt with my firstborn – but it didn’t happen. I preferred he be in someone else’s arms.

His birth was traumatic for me.

While I’ve heard plenty of more disturbing birth stories, my experience with him still traumatized me. My recovery was rough. Breastfeeding was more painful and he nursed for four minutes at a time, every 10-15 minutes, around the clock. And he was an intensely difficult baby.

Two weeks and six days post-birth, the colic began. His constant inconsolable screaming kept me planted with him in my lap on the yoga ball. The continuous sound of a crying baby is so disturbing, it can break the will of prisoners when used as a torture technique in psychological warfare. The effect is even more severe when that screaming baby is your own. It’s fair to assume the colic fed the depression.

colic impact on postpartum depression

I didn’t want to see people. I didn’t care. The heaviness in my chest felt like weights holding me down underwater. I lacked the energy and desire to fight my way out. It had all been sucked out of me. I stared at my children and zoned out. I was a shell of myself just going through the motions. It felt like a scene from a movie… people talking and laughing and moving fast all around me, while I am stone-faced and frozen in a fog, unable to absorb the life surrounding me.

Absolutely everything took an extraordinary amount of effort. Obligation and responsibility kept me feeding and changing my kids. Most days that was all I could do.

The months of inexplicable and inconsolable screaming didn’t help matters. There’s no doubt a significant emotional and physical toll when you have a colicky baby. I loved him. But I couldn’t feel it. I had recurring debilitating disturbing thoughts. I feared what I might do if one day he finally pushed me over the edge.

My brain was overpowered by the thoughts – actually, more like vivid visions – of horrible things accidentally happening to him, me, or both of us: him slipping out of my arms as I walk down a flight of stairs, us falling over a balcony as I look over the ledge, him suffocating in his sleep, us getting attacked by a dog. They were absolutely all-consuming and I had no control over the visions spiraling in my head. Occasionally, these intrusive visions would cause fear, heart palpitations, and shortness of breath. It was when these thoughts brought a feeling of relief, that I really became scared.

I felt a ton of guilt and the accompanying shame was almost unbearable.

Only a horrible mother doesn’t like her baby. Something must be wrong with me that I can’t console my own child. What kind of mom envisions throwing her baby off the roof? My kids would be better off without a mother like me. A good mother would not hate taking care of her baby. Only a neglectful mom – like me – lays on the couch all day and lets her toddler watch TV day after day. What kind of mom envisions jumping in front of a truck with her baby?

Postpartum Depression: A Hidden Cost of Colic ~Whining With Wine~ postpartum recovery, colic pain

The thoughts were terrifying. Thoughts that I wouldn’t dream of telling anyone. I credit a friend for giving me the push I needed to go to a therapist. Looking back, I think she could sense I was in a bad place and she opened the door for me to feel comfortable talking about it. She said something along the lines of, “One time when my son was crying uncontrollably, I envisioned throwing him out the window. That’s when I set him down and talked to my husband about how I was feeling.” Tears poured down my cheeks and I shared some of my dark thoughts. That night, thanks to her, I shared some with my husband and made an appointment with a therapist. I started seeing her weekly for the next year. She helped my husband understand why I often wasn’t able to get off the couch by saying, “imagine your wife has the flu”. Would you expect me to do anything other than lie in bed when I have the flu?

Months passed and I continued to be fatigued, detached, despondent, and irritable. Nothing was enjoyable. I paid zero attention to my physical health or personal care. Externally, I showed my son love, saying and doing what I was supposed to – particularly when people were around. But inside, I was empty. I was disconnected and numb.

Depression can rob you of the desire to seek help and prevent you from putting in the effort to try. I am a firm believer that everyone would benefit from talking with a psychologist or therapist. A trained professional can help us navigate through our thoughts, not only when in an especially dark place.

My son was nine-months-old when I started to feel again.

I physically felt the weight on my chest lighten and I could breathe. Now, I am so madly in love with my son. When I see his smile or hear his giggle, my heart explodes outside of my chest. It just took a little longer to get there. Most days are overwhelming and I still have dark moments, but I am me again.

More from this site:

  • Colic Nearly Destroyed MeColic Nearly Destroyed Me
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  • The Phases of Colic… the Second TimeThe Phases of Colic… the Second Time
  • Baby Colic: Tips for Soothing a Colicky BabyBaby Colic: Tips for Soothing a Colicky Baby
  • Thank You to My Mom FriendsThank You to My Mom Friends
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Comments

  1. Lauren says

    May 3, 2017 at 9:56 pm

    Thank you so much for being so open and honest about this subject! You are an incredibly strong mama and I know your story will help so many other moms dealing with colic and postpartum depression. I had no idea that they were so closely linked and how overpowering that must feel.

  2. Sasha says

    April 6, 2019 at 12:54 am

    THANK YOU! No one I know personally understands the hell I’ve endured and the freaky darkness a mother’s brain ventures into when severely, dangerously sleep deprived while enduring hours and hours of their baby screaming while nursing frequently around the clock and their baby refusing to ever be put down. It truly is torture, especially when it’s not just a few months but YEARS of it. My child has destroyed me. My child has also destroyed my social life because no one understands and most of them are total jerks about it. But thank you for letting me know I’m not alone.

    • whiningwithwine says

      April 6, 2019 at 3:25 pm

      “Torture” is the very best way to describe it! I’m sorry you are feeling so destroyed by it… I can relate completely! You can’t understand if you haven’t been through it. Even if people try to get it, they can’t. As you will read in my “Stupid Shit People Said When My Baby Had Colic” post!

Featured Posts

  • Postpartum Depression: A Hidden Cost of Colic 
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  • Colic Nearly Destroyed Me 
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Copyright © 2025 Whining With Wine · All Right Reserved · Advice and reviews are based on author's experiences. The writing on this site is not from a medical professional. Always seek medical advice from a doctor when deciding what is best for you. · contact: whiningwithwine.julie@gmail.com · When providing links to products, affiliate links are sometimes used. This means we may earn a small commission when you purchase one of the items we link to. This is at zero cost to you and helps the cost of running this site. All opinions about products are our own.